I was recently referred to as 'blackpilled', something that does seem to reflect my current state of mind. However, I do think that a more appropriate term for me would be 'black-tab'd', since I entered this state while on LSD.

The trip began in less than ideal circumstances. I had taken the tab out of frustration with the world, looking desperately for some form of enlightenment that could show me a way out of the daily despair I faced as a result of living with complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. About an hour in I could tell that something wasn't quite right. I was dripping with sweat, I could hardly see - to the extent I couldn't recognise my friend's face from up close - and I had an overwhelming sense that I was trapped inside a prison. I played some COD4 remastered multiplayer, hoping the familiarity would distract me from my heavily distorted perception. It was a very rough peak to handle, but I did get through it. Over the next few hours I ended up alone, and entered into an extremely dark headspace where I felt a sense of being forever alone, even if in the company of others. I can't remember much more than that. A friend then came to see me, and noticed I was in a very bad way mentally. He spent some time with me until about 3am, we listened to the Beatles and my mood picked up massively. I felt like the acid was wearing off and felt it was a good time to get to bed. I went up to my room, got into bed and tried to drift off to sleep. Anyone who has had acid will know that it is far from easy to get to sleep while still on it - your brain is just too active. I foolishly thought that smoking some weed could help with that, so had a blast of my herb vape. What a mistake. It was as if I started peaking again! What followed has changed my life - forever.

I entered a state of extreme rumination, that is, obsessive thought, which led me down a very deep rabbit hole. It began as a sort of inquisition into my trauma and served as an attempt to recondition my brain into accepting it as non-traumatic. This seemed to work at first, but my acid addled brain got carried away. I was a Theology student at the time, at a presitigious university, so had a vested interest in questions of good and evil I recognised that by finding positive perceptions of the world around us, we can 'enlighten' ourselves to a happier existence. This seemed a wonderful idea at the time, and the entire world suddenly became paradise - a real heaven on Earth! In a state of ecstasy I looked around my room, taking in the beautiful texture of the paint on my wall, the magnificence of the carpet and the wonder of the fairly stale air of a 20 year old's bedroom. I realised I was able to see the beauty of things in such a profound way that I needed to find something more. I had a quick think about things I loved and hurriedly googled Starry Night by Vincent Van Gogh.

I stared into the painting, seeing the swirls dancing around. The houses came to life, a warm glow filling them up. I was captivated by the painting like I'd never been captivated before. It was truly the most wonderful thing I had seen. I put my phone down, enamoured by the beautiful brilliance, blinded by emotion. But, upon looking at my wall, it carried on swirling. Objects in my view lost their form, becoming swirling apparitions of sameness. The colours all blurred together into a colour like no other I had experienced. Within what felt like seconds I couldn't see anything, I could only see everything. It was as if my four dimensional worldview, seeing things in motion, had become three dimensional and imagined. Then it seemed like the three dimensional world lost it's depth, and became two dimensional, which instantaneously became a state of pure being. In this sense, I could only percieve, but not percieve of any particular thing or thought. I was simply a witness to everything, but because it was not a particular itself, I was also a witness to nothing. Since I lacked any reference of time, due to the unchanging nature of this state, I felt I was there for eternity.

It was a very odd experience, but I felt like I was somehow closer to existence than I had ever previously been. That I was a witness to pure love. To pure reality, without any preconception or judgment. It was a self-evident state of being, and one where I felt total safety and security.

It did not last forever though, as I soon fell from this place and landed back in the world.